Ground Z-E-R-O

We're starting from scratch.

When Hell Breaks Loose

Baby, I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to cause you so much hurt. Yet, when I saw that, a part of me couldn't help feeling so touched. I'm really thankful that you are my boyfriend, and you are going to be the one walking through this hell with me. I love you, baby.

L-O-V-E

Happy in love! HEHE! <3

Once again, we're back in the sea of love!

Change.

Changes - Embrace or detest? Welcome or reject? To even make them, or not?

Baby, I fully understand your predicament, I truly do. Remember when you first entered NUS, how worried I was, how jealous I was. I was a guy who hadn't been through NS and just got rejected the direct entry to 2nd year, how was I going to compete with those guys ready to take on University and the world? Do you remember?

Do you remember also how I felt inferior as compared to the education and family guidance you and your siblings had? How was I to live up to expectations? How could I fit in?

Answer is - No, I could never fit in, I could never compete with them. Not in the past, not now, not forever.

BUT ..

I know I couldn't fit in because I never will, with distinct personalities and interests your family and I have, but it's you who showed me what family bonds are, what it's like to spend the entire Sunday afternoon with your family, be it watching TV, singing karaoke or playing Wii. These, I had never experienced before. I might not show it, because I was never taught how to express myself freely, but I do enjoy moments like that spent with the family.

Then, I could never compete with them. That's because there was no competition in the first place! You had a great OG with lots of great people, you hung out with them often after your camps and they were those people that you needed as you didn't know the school well. Yet after some thoughts, I knew that despite all those frequent meet-ups, you still loved me. To me, that was enough to hold on and love you even more.

Yes, I have to admit to the fact that recently because of all these changes, our relationship has been strained, almost to a point where you thought of giving this relationship up. I wanted to be able to keep up with my OG mates and friends, because I needed to adapt to life outside army again.

In addition, I have to admit too that I at times was frustrated. There were requests that you made that I felt was unreasonable, and many times I didn't dare to voice it out as you were already agitated. I felt like I was suffocating too, not being able to do things that I wanted to do, not being able to move around as freely as before. I used to be able to go swimming whenever I was pleased, go running whenever I was free, go meeting my friends without having to worry about how late it would be, unless it concerned catching the last trip of transport home.

Yes, I am stressed with this relationship, together with the piling workload I have and a possibility of something bad happening. I know I did sound frustrated in messages, that I couldn't be cute all the time, because I thought those were the only times I could have on my own, to really just listen to my favourite music, or have a casual conversation with a friend, or walk around the campus alone doing things that I feel like doing at that very instance, not having to worry about replying your messages on time and things like that.

I know up to this point, you would be breaking down, but let me tell you why you shouldn't.

Despite all my frustration and stress, I know you will come to terms eventually, and all I have to do is to reassure you that all I ever needed is you. Perhaps recently because of all these, my I love you is becoming more and more like a form of address, something to make you happy, something to help get me out. Let me tell you then, I love you. You are the person I could let myself down and do things that I would never do infront of other people; you are the person I could have endless things to talk about, and it has been evident for the past 2 years and 3 months we have together; you are the person I feel proud talking about when I tell my friends you're doing double majors, how we maintain our fantastic relationship and how you understand and care for me.

To me, ever since that promise, I have never thought of giving you up, not even harbouring the thought of why I had made that promise in the first place. Here you are, the most wonderful person that understands me the most, encourages me to go beyond my boundaries and lets me find out that I can break my limits, it's only a matter of whether I want it or not. Here, you're just right here. How can I possibly let you go just like that when I know I can never find another woman like you?

These changes are drastic, but I know you know that it's necessary. What will not change however, is the evergrowing love for you, the desire to have you here to see me through thick and thin. So my dear, let me tell you, that you are the third woman in my life that I really need, apart from my Mum and Wai Po. They will not, however, be by my side forever, and I never want to live those days without you.

Baby, I do cherish you. You must know that. But let's just give each other time and space. Believe me, you'll want to have some space of your own some time, whether to think through things, do your work or have a good time out with your friends. Because in the future, when we finally walk down the aisle, we will not have that much time of our own to do what we have wanted to do now.

You need me to support you through tough times, and vice versa, I need you too. Fate has brought both of us together, and we have forever to spend with each other. I will not give you up wholly for all the things I want to do, because at the end of the day, I wish to share what happen in my life and hear my happy baby's voice so I can go to sleep soundly. There are things I would like to accomplish with my dear now as well, such as exploring places where we would not have time to in the future.

To end this, finally, I love you. I cannot tell you enough, and I really, truly hope this relationship will be the envy of many, and how it can be a model for other people to learn and follow, because I know this relationship we share is so special and unique from the rest. I hope we can both build this home together, where we can go back to after a great day at work to share, or a warm place to fall back to after a foul day.

Baby, I love you.

Who is this Scary Woman?

Baby, I know I haven't been the most understanding these couple of weeks.

Actually I intended to blog only after I've seen your blog post. But it's not coming, and I can't wait any longer. I decided to blog because I can't bear to make you go through the agony of listening to me over and over again. I know you get scared whenever I say that I have something to tell you. I'm scared whenever you sound so stress. I fear that I'm pissing you off, I'm annoying you, and one day you'll love me no more.

I really don't know why I'm behaving this way. I can't seem to adjust to the fact that you're coming out of army and getting into University. The vibrant world out there again - the friends, the new stage in life, the new stage in our relationship - it's all making me so worried.

I know I can't stop you from meeting new friends, having your own group of friends, but it's making me feel so unsecured! I don't know why, but it's just making me feel like you'll spend less time with me, your attention is no longer on me alone. I know I can't demand your everything, but to me, you're already my everything. I really don't know what to do without you.

These days, jealousy has already tainted my sense and reason. I can't think properly any more. Whenever I don't meet you, I just feel as though I need to know where you are, what you are doing and who you are with. It just makes me seem so controlling. I just can't stop myself from sending you SMSes to ask about you. Even if I managed to fight of the thought, I will feel so lost! I don't know what to do, I just stare into space. I don't know why, but deep down it just feels so uncomfortable.

Baby always tells me not to worry, to trust you. I really want to, but I don't know why I just can't seem to convince myself! I just need assurance and reassurance over and over again.

These days, I even go into finding fault with the small, nitty-gritty details. Like how you no longer update this blog any more. Like how you haven't been wearing the necklace you bought for me. Sometimes, I don't know why but your I love you don't seem as endearing any more. It sounds like you're just saying it for the sake of saying it. I really don't know if you really mean it. It hurts, baby. I know it's hurting both you and me.

I know you're trying, baby, I am trying too, but I just can't seem to let go. You know the worrier I am.

Baby, I don't know what in the world is happening to me. Why am I behaving like this? I can't continue like this any longer. I feel as though I don't know myself any more. I don't know who is this inside me. I don't know who I am. Who am I?

It's so scary, I think I've lost myself.

Please, help me, baby!

Please, help me save myself!

=(

Checklist of Places

Places to visit!

Singapore:
Dempsey
Punggol Park
Cable Car
MBS
Chinese Garden (coming mid-Autumn Festival) Conquered 12.09.2011
Asian Civilisations Museum: Terracotta Warriors (Free admission on 13-14 Aug! http://www.acm.org.sg/exhibitions/eventdetail.asp?eventID=721) Conquered 13.08.2011

Eat:
Clarke Qauy Boat Restaurant
Everything with Fries
Xiao Long Bao Buffet @ Holland V. Conquered 27.10.2011

Overseas:
Foreseeable future:
Krabi
Redang
Bali
Railway ride to our friendly neighbour!
Paris, France and around Europe!

Future dream:
South Africa
Kenya (Both of the above are my ideas, HAHA)
Taiwan
Liverpool, England
Climb a mountain
Cruise trip

*NOTE: Red means visited.

Fear and Insecurity

It's engulfing me.

Save me, please!